


In Another World

by Highsmith (quimtessence)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s01e14 Objects in Space, Wayback Exchange 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23937484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimtessence/pseuds/Highsmith
Summary: In another world, she could have been a girl.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14
Collections: Wayback Exchange 2020





	In Another World

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesireeArmfeldt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesireeArmfeldt/gifts).



> My existentialism is showing.

In another world, she could have been a girl.

Or a ship. A real ship.

Or maybe not.

Not that many girls who can be ships in the Verse, she reckons. Loads of them who are just plain girls, though.

*

After she comes back aboard, the welcome is more than she could have dreamt. Simon's bleeding, but he often is. Kaylee's hug is warm, as is Mal's smile.

It's fascinating to watch.

*

In another world, she could have been enough. She could have danced and written and sang enough. She could have made others bleed less. She could have created things which meant more than the sum of their parts. In this world where everything lines up as it should, she isn't necessarily happy, she doesn't think. When she looks out at the vastness of space, when she lets herself imagine what floating around could be like, she gets a thrill, though maybe that's not happiness either. She doesn't know how to live in that world where she's a girl who followed the steps to her destination and came out girl-shaped on the other side.

There's no real reason why anyone should, the rules are so vague, not rules at all, not even guidelines, but she wonders nonetheless what living could be like, like that, being a girl. Just a girl.

It wouldn't last anyway.

It wouldn't matter.

*

Melting away sounds nice. Can't be a girl then.

Can't be a ship either. That's silly.

*

The laughter is kinder, somehow, that night. Spirits are high. She's just another girl on the ship, eight other people around her. Human-shaped. It's not at all like any other night, but it's not unusual or strange in any way either, to be there, with the others. They've been breathing the same air for months, cycle upon cycle. They live their lives too close together to have it be strange now, of all times, especially after everything.

There are objects all around them, but they don't make up what they are, what they can become. But they shine and linger at the back of her mind all the little words used to describe what makes up the paraphernalia of everyday life. They're usually not what she thinks they are, they're so much more, even when the others are yelling at her to put it down. There's something joyous about Serenity through her fingers, around her in every way. The ship isn't an object, it's as living and alive as any of them, maybe more so in some aspects.

Jayne will never apologise, not really. Kaylee will never stop dreaming. Book doesn't have anywhere else to go. Inara wants more. Simon never believes he will ever have enough, be enough, so why bother. Mal sinks further. Wash wants happiness. Zoë holds them all together.

Serenity holds them all as best she can. Being a ship is best, of course, but her first night in a very long time as a girl River gets to sit, and watch, and they let her. Serenity has been doing the same for ages, but ships are more understanding.

*

Jayne calls her weird, still, but Mal shushes him casually, and Jayne lets it be. Zoë gives him a look to make sure he's not about to do anything stupid, such as do more talking. Kaylee, though still shook, laughs easily once the others pave the way for it. The pain drugs are enough to allow Simon to join them at dinner, his leg propped up safely out of the way. Wash teases him about war wounds around his spoon, and Simon's chest puffs up a bit, just enough. Book serves him extra just because. Inara makes a rare appearance, tries to invite her in, but River is already in, she's always been in. It's only a matter of perspective.

On any other night, it would mean bed early, especially after the adrenaline of the night before, but none of them seem inclined. Inara has to make her escape, and Simon should as well, but he's feeling energised. Jayne, the only one who had any decent sleep, is too awake to leave either. So where does that leave them? Book telling them about his heroic fight before the lights went out and Zoë questioning the validity of all of that. Wash laughing at them all, but with laugh lines around his eyes and mouth. Mal looking to the side, glancing at her every so often, though it's unlikely there's any chance he could actually see her there, not with Serenity in the way, but Mal is as intrinsic to the ship as any other component, so maybe he does see her there in some way that doesn't have to do with regular ol' eyesight at all. Could be just as likely as anything. Kaylee smiles widely just because.

In another world, she could be just another girl a floor above or a floor below enjoying the laughter. They look at her now as if she were. She's not that. Never will be again. Nothing for it.

*

She could have been a lot of things. Pleasant things. Gentle things. Presentable things. In society, she could have shone brighter than any star. None of it real, of course. Another puppet. But a girl nonetheless. Brown-haired, girl-shaped, evenly matched to anyone who would care to measure up to her. Simon could have been somewhere else, happy, at home, for a certain value of happy and for a certain measure of home. Is Serenity home?

*

The darkness outside isn't a surprise. There's always darkness somewhere. Makes it easier to find the light. Funny how easily your eyes adjust to it. Either to the darkness or the light. Human beings have that, that capability. In another world, she could have sprouted memorised jargon about the human eye to explain it all away. But ships don't have eyes in the traditional sense and, besides, if anyone wants to know about any of that stuff, she's waiting for them to ask her directly. She's got ears, after all.

*

The darkness is vast, but it's limitless, too. There's so much out there. Waiting.

The rock's waiting. It waits for them all. Don't have to be girl-shaped for that.

**Author's Note:**

> ETA 05/22/2020: [I'm rhubarbdreams @ Tumblr.](https://rhubarbdreams.tumblr.com/)


End file.
